I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
