obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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