Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
