You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
