i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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