Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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