booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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