happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
