When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
