I'm so fucking centered right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
