somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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