I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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