This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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