Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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