Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
