Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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