The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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