To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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