dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I stole a fireplace last night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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