so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
