That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sorry my hands just texted you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
