I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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