i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
