Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
