Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
