only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
