2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
