At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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