i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
