i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
