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Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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