Swine flu. Run for my life!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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