I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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