I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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