just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
