I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
