Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
