He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Come see our sink grown plant.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
