I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
