Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
