I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
