so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
