someone get that fucking seahorse.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
