tell your sister to shave her snatch
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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