I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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