she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
