thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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