i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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