ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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