a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
